Tomorrow we meet with Mason's cardiologist team.
We have been waiting for this appointment for a long time.
We could have had this appointment done around 22wks....but they didn't think Mason would survive. So they set it for a later date....just so we wouldn't "waste" our time doing the long appointment just to have him not survive.
It make me so full of every emotion possible as we near this appointment. I feel mostly like crying. Happy tears that our little fighter has made it to 30wks and is beating the odds, and tears of fear of what the future may hold for our Mason. There as so many "ifs" and "coulds" in our life...its starting to wear on this tired mommy.
I have been looking forward to this appointment, looking forward to FINALLY knowing what can be done for his tiny heart. Then there is part of me that doesnt want tomorrow to come, for fear of more bad news. I have these fears about our appointment tomorrow... and the stress of these fears are wearing me out.
Mason's heart wont be able to be fixed.
That they find more things wrong with him
He will need surgery right after he is born (in KC 1hr away from our home)
Cord doppler pressure will be elevated (immediate delivery)
Hygroma will cause more problems
These fears take over my thoughts all day. All I want to do is pretend everything will be just fine. Continue on with life like we never got the diagnosis that had changed our lives.
When strangers ask what Im having...I want to cry.
I answer: a little boy...but inside i am thinking .. a very sick little boy... were praying we get to keep him here on earth.
When they ask when I'm due....
I answer : May 20th...then try to ignore their stares at my very large belly & comments of twins...while i really want to say "we may deliver any day now"...
But by answering the "polite" way I avoid having to tell all the things going on with Mason... I avoid the looks of pity, and they apologies they offer. I get to pretend for a few seconds that Mason is just another "normal" baby, that he isn't having to fight for his life, or that my heart isn't breaking.
I feel life getting harder...and I'm getting weaker. I'm ready to be done "holding my breath"!
I have an extra prayer request. My 4yr old niece is going in for surgery tomorrow as well. She is having her tonsils/adenoids removed. Her mom (my sister) has also just found out that her cancer is back in uterus...even after having the cancer removed less than a year ago.
Praying for a good day tomorrow.