Monday, January 31, 2011

I don't want to get my hopes up...

I feel like our pregnancy has been put on pause.

I feel stuck.

Stuck because we cant really plan on anything for the future of Mason. Its a sad feeling to not know the out come will be. Either way we will rejoice in the time God gave us with our son wither it be only time in my belly or it be 30 years with us on earth. We will be thankful for whatever God gives us.

The bigger part of me wants to believe that the hygroma will disappear, Mason will be born and find that his heart defect isn't as bad as they thought and all he has is the down syndrome. In my heart I know this isn't possible. Dont get me wrong. We are still praying for a miracle...but in all reality Mason has some major things going on right now.

I don't want to be "negative Nancy" but it just something we have to face. We are starting to realize we have a long road ahead...and I feel like we don't have a road map for this journey. There are no road signs along the way to point you in the right direction. All we can do is have faith and continue along on our journey.

Some days seem better than others. The "unknown" is just so difficult, not knowing what to plan for. It would be so much easier if the Drs could just tell us exactly what will happen. But only God knows that answer. So we sit and patiently wait to see Gods plan unfold. Because God is in control here....not us.

We have gathered a few things for Mason in case he doesnt make it to birth. My mother in law & I picked out some fabric for a blanket for Mason to be wrapped in. She sewed the little blanket for us. (sewed with love) One side is a soft green and the other side is white with light green & blue writing...the writing on the inside: "I love Mommy" "I love Daddy". I saw the fabric and knew the material was perfect for his blanket. (this is the reason the colors of the blog are light green & blue) Cory and I picked out a small green & blue onsie also to pack in his little bag. ***since we are on "high alert" we have our bags packed in case of the worst***. My prayer is that soon we will be able to put away our "high alert" bags and pack our "real hospital bags" in May.

Each day is another day we got to spend with Mason...and for that we are ever so thankful.

Hold tight little fighter. Mommy loves you.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Appointment update

On Wednesday we had an appointment with Dr. Evans again for a follow up. All morning I kept telling Cory, "I don't wanna go". The reason I kept saying this is because I wasn't sure I could handle any more bad news. It seems every time we go to a Drs. appointment we get more bad news. I'm just not sure my heart can take anymore pain right now.

I feel like God put us in Dr. Evans & Dr. Gleason's care for a reason. There is just a calm feeling knowing they will do all they can for both Mason & us. As though God hand picked them for us and Mason.

Needless to say, we went to the appointment. We got check in and waited for a bit. I picked up some magazines to read while we waited.... and a little sadness came over me. All the magazines I picked were filled with pictures of perfect babies and all the things babies need (bedding, bottles, articles on what the best coming home outfit looks like) and I couldnt help to think... These are things we cant plan on for Mason. I kept flipping through the pages.... pretending it didnt bother me. So no one would notice that a simple magazine was breaking my heart. I put on my "brave face" for everyone else...but inside I just want to cry.

We finally get called back by Terri, our sweet ultrasound tech. She is always so kind and best of all ...she doesn't hide or sugar coat anything. She greets us with her soft smile as always and I take my seat on the bed. We chat a little bit then we start the sonogram. The second Mason popped up on the screen my heart sank. I blurted out " He is swollen". Terry said yes he does look swollen. She started doing the scan and said that Mason has some Edema (swelling under the skin). When she said this my heat sank. *** in cystic hygroma babies: They get the fluid on the neck , then the head, then they start to get Edema, then they get fluid on the lungs & heart, then they go into heart failure.*** Mason has the fluid on the neck & head, and now has Edema. This is not a good sign for Mason. Terri continued with the scan but was having some troubles. Good troubles though. I happened to eat a brownie covered Oreo before my appointment.

Brownie covered Oreo = super active baby

Terri was trying her hardest to get all the measurement she needed but Mason could have cared less! He wouldn't sit still at all. He just kicked, waved, rolled, touched his toes to his head,did some ninja kicks, and showed us his tiny little tushy. In all this pain we are going through, it is so nice to laugh. And laugh we did! God shows us a bit of sunshine when all we see is grey skies. He finally settled down enough that Terri could finish the scan and then had Dr. Evans come in to scan also.

Dr. Evans came in and started scanning Mason. Here is what we found:
Mason went from 12oz three weeks ago to 1lb 3oz (great weight gain!) (43rd %)
His heart rate was 142 (great!)
All together he is in the 48th% for overall size. (perfectly average)
His femor length was in the 46% 3 wks ago...but now his femur length is in the 9th% (not good but somewhat normal for down syndrome babies)
Edema (swelling under the skin) was also found (not a good sign)
Heart is still the same

Over all Mason seem to look pretty normal , except for hygroma & swelling. Watching the
sonogram, you would never know there was anything wrong with him.

We did have a concern pop up during the sonogram. My amniotic fluid is off the charts. Dr. E said I have so much fluid its making my belly measure full 23wks...Not Good. The reason for such high fluid is that Mason body isnt doing what it should with the fluid so its getting "backed up" and my body doesnt know Mason isnt keeping it keeps making more. We will be getting the fluid drained (like having an amniocenteses again) . ***with the cystic hygroma: babies with either too low or too high amniotic fluid show a poor prognosis to make it to "term"****

So again...we don't really have any answers. All we can do is wait and pray. These next 6wks will be a big bridge we have to cross. If Mason can make it to 30wks we will have a much better prognosis. I pray the next 6 wks goes smoothly and we will get to meet our sweet Mason in May.

Thank you again for the prayers and support. Mason is a fighter.. he has beat the odds already!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Harder than I thought

Yesterday was harder than I thought it was going to be.

Mason is due May 20th.
My sister in law Cheri (Cory's sister) is due June 20th.

Its kinda nice to have someone around that knows exactly what your going through ( cravings, weight gain, Drs appointments..ect). But now things have changed. Right now her pregnancy is a reminder of how things were SUPPOSED to be for us.

Today they went for the anatomy ultrasound. This is the same ultrasound we found out about Mason's conditions. Today I prayed that their baby would be healthy. That they wouldnt have to go through what we are.

All my thoughts kept going back to Jan 5th, and how badly I wish during our ultrasound they would have said that Mason was perfect and healthy. Its was a day that was supposed to be so happy for us...instead it changed our lives completely. How different life would be if Mason was 100% healthy.

So when I got the phone call yesterday afternoon that they are having a 100% healthy baby Girl...It hurt.
It hurt bad.
Its a feeling I cant explain.
A feeling very few will ever understand.

Im so very happy that their baby is healthy and that they will never have to go through the hardship we have. But at the same time it is a reminder of everything our pregnancy was supposed to be. The part that hurts the most, that Mason chances of surviving is so low and we have to prepare for the worst. All while seeing their pregnancy progress like normal and in the end they will have a healthy baby in their arms.

I pray that God give me the strength to enjoy seeing their pregnancy progress. Its such a bittersweet thing for me. To be happy & sad all at the same time. I pray that in time, happiness will overcome my pain. That I can truly enjoy meeting my niece... without the sad feeling for Mason lingering over me.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Stuck in a rain cloud

I feel stuck.

Stuck in a rain cloud.

I feel like my "happy meter" only goes to 65%.

These last few days have been hard. I think its because I am coming to terms with what is going on with Mason. I get lost in the "what ifs" and "maybes". I find myself getting lost in my thoughts...and my thoughts always turn to Mason.

I feel stuck in the middle of this pregnancy. Stuck, because for us, there isn't a perfect ending. There are so many "normal" things we cant do now. Just normal "get ready for baby" things. Things that I so badly want to do...but I cant. Instead I have to sit on the side-lines and wait.

Im tired, my body & my heart are tired. I keep hearing everyone say "your so strong" and "I admire your strength". I almost want to look around to see if they are talking to someone else...because Im NOT strong. I don't feel like I have the strength to go through this. Maybe God got the wrong person...Im not a strong person. Not strong enough for this.

As I told a friend the other day. You dont know how strong you can be until you are a parent. When its your children you need to be strong would be amazed how strong you can be. Mason has made me strong. But God has made me stronger than I ever knew. Even though I dont feel strong...I am strong...because of GOD.

Thank you for all the continued prayers for Mason.
And a special thank you to Becca @ Jumping Jax Designs for the beautiful blog design. Thank you again Becca.

Friday, January 21, 2011



This word has been mentioned to us several time in the last few weeks. We legally had to be told of our "options".

For us...Termination NOT an option.

Mason is OUR MASON. We are his protectors. We are his advocates. He doesn't have a voice we are his voice.

We have been reminded of our options several times...and each time it hurts. This is not our choice to be made.

I found these statistics:
Rate of termination for babies with down syndrome- 93%
Rate of termination for babies with cystic hygroma- 98%
Babies that have a cystic hygroma & a chromosome defect- only 6.6% have downs syndrome

We have found out recently that the rate of survival for a baby with a cystic hygroma is about 15-20%.
The survival rate for a baby with a cystic hygroma, chromosome defect (downs), and a cardiac defect is almost 0%.

We are on "high alert" for the next 8wks. Between now and 30wks is a critical time frame for Mason to make it through. During the next 8wk...My body will start doing less and his body will start doing more. The main concern is the fluid is already building up on his head and neck..and that is with my body doing all the work.

But our Mason is a fighter.

We are De-Termined to do all that we can for our little boy.

We are doing a March of Dimes: March for Babies walk in April in Masons name. Our team name is Hope for Mason. The name seems fitting since we all have hope for Mason. I have been so humbled by how many people are going to walk in Masons name and all that are setting up fundraisers in Masons name also.
I am so proud to be his mommy.

I invite you to join Masons cause and donate in his name.

Thank you again for all the prayers and support.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Mason Update

We just got back from Dr. Gs office. Normal pregnant ladies have monthly appt at this time in pregnancy..but not us. We now go every 2 wks. I thought that this would be just another run of the mill appointment. I really thought I would just be going in for blood pressure check, belly measurement, and listen to the heartbeat. I was partially right.

As Im called back to the exam room, I'm greeted by someone special this time. A friend from high school, Kristina. We dont really know each other "that well" but now we a "link" to each other. Kristina just lost her son, Korbin, in Sept. She was about 26wks pregnant when she lost him. She also struggled through her pregnancy. It was an instant bond when we saw each other today. We talked and hugged and talked some more. Its comforting to know someone who has walked a similar path as you.

Dr. G came into the room shortly after I had finished talking to Kristina. He asked how I was doing. " As good as to be expected" was my reply. (Im really not sure how to answer that question anymore... I really just wanna say...Its been a horrible 2 wks, I cant sleep, I cry at random moment, ect....But I always just stick with the "as good as to be expected"). Dr. G turns and gives me a look, Then I tell him the truth, "Its been a really bad 2 wks". We chat for a bit. He measured my belly (it measured about 1.5 wks ahead) and then checked Mason's heart beat with the doppler. Its normally in the 160s. Today it was in the 120s. Lower than normal but not low enough to cause concern.

After the "normal" appt stuff was over, Dr. G sat down to talk to me. Today we had a talk I been wanting to avoid. We talked about the odds of Mason not surviving till birth. The odds are not in Masons favor. There were things decided today that I wish I didn't even have to think about..but we do.

We made a "birth plan" for if Mason doesn't survive:
I will be induced at the hospital and deliver Mason.

Our plan if Mason does make it to birth will be to deliver in Kansas City at Children s Mercy. Not our local hospital.

We will now be doing Bi-Weekly stress tests on Mason to make sure he is doing ok.
Dr. G is also going to call Dr. Evans (our high risk specialist) to see what the exact odds are for Mason to make it to birth. We should hear back from him by tomorrow. Our next appt is with Dr. Evans in 2 wks.

Its just a waiting game until then.

Today reality set in...That our Mason might not stay here on Earth with us.
Today I feel numb.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I dont want to be in Holland ..but I am

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy.
You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make wonderful plans.
The Coliseum.
The Michelangelo David.
The gondolas in Venice.

You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full
of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new
language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you never would have

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after
you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you
begin to notice Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland is still a beautiful place.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging
about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say,
Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that
dream is a very, very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to go to Italy, you
may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

By Emily Perl Kingsley

We bought tickets for Italy..not Holland.
God decided that Holland was where we were to go.
So now we just sit back and enjoy Holland for all its beauty..because God is our tour guide .

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Baby kicks and Tear drops

I sit here at the computer smiling and crying at the same time. Smiling because Mason is just a kicking away in there but soon after the smile comes the tears. Tears from the pain my heart feels for my little boy.

Pain of the unknown.

I feel like life is in a high speed wobble. Nothing seems to make sense. How can my little boy kick so strongly...but be so sick? It is hard to understand when my belly is growing and I can feel Mason kicking and moving... that something is wrong with our sweet baby.

Right now should be such a happy time for us. Picking out bedding, washing baby clothes, organizing diapers, picking out a double stroller...but no. We cant do any of those things.

I now know that this wont be the "perfect pregnancy" that we thought it would be. Instead we are stuck. Stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Even though this isnt how we thought the next 4 months would go... There is one thought that keeps running through my mind... GOD ONLY GIVES US WHAT WE CAN HANDLE. So the man upstairs must know our TRUE STRENGTH. Strength we never knew we had.

Many Blessing to you.
Mrs. B

Friday, January 14, 2011

I believe God knew...

A few thoughts have been running through my head lately...

I believe God knew we would be ok.

I believe that Colby is here with us to shine a light on all the sadness. He makes us smile every day..even when all I want to do is cry. He is truly a blessing to us. He has helped me see that not everyday will have rain clouds....that there is still rainbow in store for our family.

I believe that our sweet Mason will be beautiful.

I believe that Mason is loved so very much so many many people.

I believe that only God knows if our little boy will make it to birth.

and I believe that God made Mason perfect in his eyes.

We have received so much support and love for our Mason. It brings happy tears to my eyes...that this tiny little boy is so unconditionally loved by so many people. That our son has so many people praying for him. I have to pause and smile from time to time... just at the thought that even though our little boy isn't even here yet...That I am so truly truly proud to be his mother.

Mason my sweet baby boy..Mommy loves you more than you will ever know. You have touched our lives in a way I never knew was possible. I am proud to call you my son and I will to see you soon... whether it be here on Earth or up in heaven.
Love Mommy

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Little signs from GOD.

Yesterday I decided to go to the library to see if they had any books on Down Syndrome. We really don't know very much about DS and I thought that maybe there was a book out there that would give Cory and I some insight on DS.

I bundled up Colby (he love the library) and loaded him in the car. We got to the library and hurried in. (Its pretty darn cold here right now). We walked over the the children s area so Colby could look at some books and play. I wandered around to parenting section. It happens to be right beside the play area. (Many a times I have considered grabbing a few of these said parenting book and handing them to a few parents! You know ..the ones who don't watch their child in public places..rather they are on their I phone.) I was lucky today ... no other kids! I browsed the "Parenting shelf". There were 2 separate book categories. There was the "how to get your child to eat veggies" and " How to potty train your toddler" section. Then there is the " Rasing a child with Cystic Fibrosis" and " Down Syndrome: Dealing with Trisomy 21". I wanted so badly to be in the "eat your veggies" section. But there I stood. In front of the books I didn't want to read. All the covers on the "Eat your veggies" books were all colorful and happy. The section I stood in front of were all gray and gloomy looking. Just how I was feeling. I looked at a few books. I finally decided on a book and a DVD. The book is "Babies with Down Syndrome" and the movies is "Down syndrome : The first 18 months". I quietly put these two in our book bag, right next to the colorful, happy books Colby had picked out. Even in the bag , those books looked sad and gloomy next to the "happy books". We headed to check out and then loaded into the car.

I get home and ate lunch with Colbs. When we finished , I got him ready for nap time. We got snuggled on the couch and I put in the movie we had gotten at the library (Down syndrome: Birth - 18 mo). I pressed play and the movie starts. On the screen pops some baby photos of a little blonde boy. The photos range from birth to about a year. The little boy looked so happy, always smiling. I had to smile...that little boy looked like he could be Colby's brother. Same white blonde hair and big blue eyes. The photos ended on the smiling little boy...and then God showed me all would be ok. At the end of the photos these words appear on the screen...."FOR MASON". I paused the DVD and cried. At that point I knew we would be ok. Im not saying this is going to be easy..just that in the end.. we will be ok.

It just goes to show us that God really does know what he is doing. Mason will be fine, We will be fine. God will get us through, and though there will be tears and pain, in the end we will be just fine.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The phone call we didnt want

Today our lives have forever changed. Right now I cant say it has changed for the better yet...just that our lives have changed. I always thought I handled change well...until now. Now I feel like every fiber in my body wants to hold tight to last Tuesday...When everything was still perfect.

Dr. Gleason did our amnio on Friday. He told us that the results should be back by Wed. Wednesday would have been a good day for him to call (not that any day would have been good) since Cory is home on Wed.

Well God didn't want us to wait till Wednesday to know what was happening with our Mason. God wanted us to know NOW. All weekend I felt like I didn't want Wednesday to come...Because with Wed. also came reality...Reality that this is not a bad dream.

The phone rang today at 4:40pm. I looked at the caller ID. On it said "Dr. Gleason". My heart sank. NO NO NO....not now..not now. Cory wouldn't be home for another 2 hrs. I almost didn't answer it. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to handle the news he might deliver. It rang 2 time. I hit the answer key while trying to sound as hopeful as possible. I was pleading silently..."Please dont be a chromosome defect...DONT LET IT BE DOWNS". Dr. Gleason said he had the FISH test results. I took a breath. He said it came back positive for down syndrome. ....I tried to remain calm, I tried not to let my voice crack, but that didnt happen. I cried a few quick tears and then tried to ask him where we go from here. He said he will set up an appointment with Dr. Evans (high risk specialist who did our sono also) and we will go from there. He said he was very sorry to have to give us this news. He also asked if I would be ok with seeing both him and Dr. Dr. Gleason still wanted to continue to see me through this pregnancy..and if we make it as far as delivery...he wanted to deliver Mason. (He truely is the Dr. that God knew we needed ).

I hung up the phone and I cried. We knew this was a very real possiblitiy, that all signs pointed to D.S. But the words still hurt. I called Cory a few min later. Cory seemed to handle the news just fine. He said that we already thinking he had downs. He said it doesnt change anything. Mason was still Mason. After he said that I realized, by Dr. G saying those words, nothing ever changed. Everything was still the same. Mason was still the same baby he was a week ago. He has had D.S. the whole time. I am ever so thankful for my hubby through this time. He is my rock. He loves Mason more now than ever. Never shying away from a "not perfect" baby...instead he grows closer to his sweet Mason.

God has put Mason in our lives for a reason, to learn something. I'm not sure what that lesson is yet...but we will. I know some people shy away from God, are angry with God, wondering why would God do this to us. Well I feel like my strength in God is growing stronger. I dont feel anger toward God. He has a plan for Mason and for US!

Thank you again for the continued prayers. We have several more concerns to address soon. Mainly the cystic hygroma, and AV Canal Defect. The CH only gives him a 10% survival rate. So we still need the prayers. Thanks again

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Amnio is done....Now we wait.

We had an amniocentesis done yesterday afternoon to test to see if Mason has a chromosome defect. There are risks in having this test done...but we felt like we needed to know. The amnio went fairly smoothly and wasnt too big of a deal. God still lets the sun shine on us during our hard times...During the amnio, Mason kept sticking his little bottom right were they wanted to put the needle, made me smile. We are having the FISH test done and will know if Mason has DS by Wed. After the amnio, we went home and I rested. Dinner was provided by my sister in law that night and I really had a chance to relax. My heart needed to relax for a bit. Colby and Cory played on the floor while I sat on the couch. All I could do was wonder...Will Mason get to do this? Will he get to know how much we love him? How much fun it is to play with daddy or help mommy in the kitchen?

Right now my mind is still full of many questions, many that I cant answer. We been praying not only for Mason, but for peace and strength for Cory & I. We are going to church tomorrow. We were asked if we were ok with coming to the front of the church (we go to a smaller church) on Sunday and be prayed over for Mason. I want the prayers for Mason so badly...but the thought of the announcement of what is going on with Mason, just brings more of a reality that this is really happening to us. This really is happening.

Meet Mason

This is Masons journey:
We found out in Sept 2010 that were were expecting baby #2. Our son Colby had just turned 1 in May. We were so happy our plan had worked! We wanted our children about 2yrs apart. Baby # 2 would be expected right after Colby's 2nd birthday.

This pregnancy has had it share of complications since the beginning. We went to ER at about 6wks with cramping and spotting. Everything turned out to be just fine, we saw a tiny flicker of a heartbeat on the ultrasound. We were in love already. The pregnancy progressed and so did a few more "situations". It started off with morning sickness that lasted ALL DAY. Well after trying several meds, and 2 trips to ER for fluids, I was diagnosed with severe morning sickness. The new meds helped but by my 16wk appt. I had already lost 21 lbs. This wasn't too concerning since I had some "extra". Thing went a little crazy at about 17wks. I started having what I thought were Braxton Hicks contractions, thought it was kinda early, but with it being baby # 2 I wasn't too concerned. Until 4 days later. In the afternoon my BHs turned into full blown contractions...every 5min. So off to labor & Delivery we went. They got them under control and I eventually got to go home. The next day we had a sono done to check cervix. My cervix was funneling and shortening. It was something we were going to have to watch for. OTHER than that all was going fine and dandy....until our 20wk Dr. appt.

Looking back now....It was the day our lives changed forever. I had an appointment for a anatomy scan at 9:45am and a 20wk apt. with our reg Doctor. Jen (our u/s tech) greeted me as always and back I went for the ultrasound. (I went by myself that day. Cory stayed home to watch Colby and to spend some daddy/son time. We had already found out what we were having a Boy.) Jen started the u/s and all was going well. Mason popped right up on the screen, moving and waving. We chatted and then she seemed kinda distracted. I figured she was just trying to do her job. She started by taking pic of Masons head and neck. LOTS of pics were being printed off. Still I didn't think much about it. Then she moved to his heart, many more pics were printed again. Then all of a sudden it was over. Looking back now she never measured his organs (besides his heart), or looked at much else. We were still chatting and she said to wait in waiting room till they called me back for reg appointment. While I waited I texted everyone that Mason was still a boy and my cervix went from 3.5 to 3.0 in 2 wks. A few min later I was called back. On to the scale I went (down 1 lb from last week) then off to the room. The nurse took my blood pressure and asked if anything had changed since last week. Then I waited for my Dr to come in. Dr Gleason came into the room. He had a different manor than normal. He is a very "relaxed" and easy to talk to...but that day..he seemed kinda upset. He started right off with " I got your sono results... We found a few things". I don't remember all that was said. It was a blur of emotions. I was trying not to cry. Wishing so badly that Cory was there with me. Wishing so badly this was all a bad dream. Dr. Gleason said that Mason had a cystic hygroma, a hole in his heart, and a thick nuchal fold. He said these defects are most commonly from a chromosome defect. Most commonly from down syndrome. He told me he had already set up an appointment to see a specialist that afternoon. He kept saying he was very sorry and he wished this wasn't happening to our baby. I took a few min to wipe my tear and to compose myself before I left the room. I tried as hard as I could not to cry while walking through the waiting room. Seeing all those happy pregnant ladies with HEALTHY babies...I lost it as soon as I got outside.

When I got to the car...I cried, I cried hard. I wanted so badly to go back 30min ago. When my baby was still perfect...still healthy. I cried till I got into our driveway. I took a few min to compose myself. Finally I got out of the car and walked to the house. I could hear the boys playing inside. Every fiber in my body didn't want to go inside, didn't want to utter the words that something was wrong with Mason, and I just didn't want this to be happening. I opened the door and was greeted with the smiling face of our sweet little Colby. I put down my purse as Cory walked into the kitchen. Our eyes met and my tears started flowing. He asked what was wrong, is everything ok? I couldn't talk....I was crying so hard. All I could muster was..."something is wrong with Mason". Cory rushed over and held me. He kept asking what was wrong with him. After calming down a bit I was able to tell him was Dr. Gleason had told me, and that we had an appt. in a few hours with a specialist. We cried and cried. My image of our perfect baby boy were gone.

We let our parents know what we had found out and great gma was coming to watch Colby while we went to the appointment with Cory's parents (they went to help listen with different ears) When we were there we had a level ii ultrasound, the tech took lots of pictures. She said they dont hold any information back and would let us know everything they saw. When she finished Dr Evans came in. He did parts of the ultrasound again to see for himself. I kept thinking this was all a bad dream, that he would say " nothing is wrong with this baby, must be some mistake". But he didn't. He told us that Mason has AV canal defect, cystic hygroma, thick nuchal fold, and poor foot arches. He said these traits lead to a strong chance of Down syndrome. Masons heart defect was more serious than we thought. A normal heart has 4 chambers.. Masons has 1. Also the Cystic Hygroma (lymphatic fluid sac) was not just at the back of his neck.. it was all around his head and neck. The rest of the details were a blur again. Dr. Evan said that we should get an amnio to see if Mason does indeed have DS. We were also told that there is a good chance Mason wont make it to birth. We sat in the room a bit longer.. asking questions, feeling numb, wiping tears. We told him we would get a amnio and go from there.

Since those appointments...I still feel pretty numb. Numb with pain, guilt, worry, tears, and anger. I feel as though someone I loved very much has died. That our perfect life was no more. Wondering why us? Why our Mason? We don't seem to have the answers to those questions and never will. All I can say now .. it that this is all in Gods hands. He is in control, and he has a plan for Mason. We just don't know what that plan is yet.